Loving yourself, embracing all your flaws, understanding self importance and putting yourself first is a journey, it is continuous and grows as you grow. Both Brown Girl N and I have embarked on this path of self love in our thirties, and are hard core advocates of spreading self-love to everyone. Sometimes I wish that I had recognised and understood the importance of self-love earlier on, but then maybe the hard lessons I have learned in life may not be as clear as they are now.
Maybe this was the designated path for me so that I am able to teach and show my children self-love the right way much earlier on and teach them the best way I can, as I had to go through a great deal of unlearning before starting on this path.
Self-love isn’t an end goal so maybe its better to be late getting on the bus than never standing at the stop in the first place!
I have found learning to self-love difficult at times, and facing certain issues (mostly unnecessary ones) and not dealing with them properly make it so much harder. There are many factors we need to identify as being detrimental to our journey to self- and we need to deal with them head on so that our quest can be a prosperous and fruitful one. Below are 5 points I believe are essential to avoid when we are learning to embark on our journey to self-love.
Avoid making the same mistakes, Learn the lesson
We grow, we age, we are always moving forward, so life will always throw lessons at you. LEARN THEM. Not because it will help you to avoid similar situations, but learn them so that next time you can handle you better, it better and those around better.
People that hurt you once will hurt you again (and if not then then others will), if you face failure once chances are you will fail again. If you faced a certain hardship or trauma, hopefully you won’t face it again but that can only be determined by the lessons learned so that the signs can be recognised.
Avoid unnecessary drama:
There’ll be times when you are called (whether personally or through the phone) for your advice, only to realise that the conversation was not at all about heeding your advice. Rather it was a rant, or reason for an argument to take place, or even a pity party. Are you there to listen to others ranting, to agree with their points, to support them with the one sided information they give or to give advice they will genuinely value and listen to?
It doesn’t mean everyone has to take your advice, same way you don’t have to take in others but is your advice being valued or disregarded? You always have to remember that it is not your responsibility to deal with others issues or problems, you should always be there for support or to lend a helping hand but if there is an issue it needs to be dealt directly by the persons involved, no one else.
Avoid being used:
Lets be honest, life is all about give and take, and the scale is not necessarily always a balanced one but everyone has a certain role to play in others and their own lives. Some people are always there for you to give you advice, others to show you a good time, some people have an air about them where their company is enough to give you comfort no matter how much of a pickle you’re in and some always know how to make you laugh/smile no matter how your day has been.
However as well as the role you play, your company itself should be valued also, what you bring to the table shouldn’t be the only purpose of your inclusion to other peoples’ life.
Avoid giving more than what is required:
When others help you out in whatever way they can you owe them back, you owe them gratitude, the return of the time they spent, the effort others give you and maybe even money. But when others do something for you, don’t think you need to compromise who you are in order for them to take what they feel is rightly theirs.
Sometimes by doing a favour for someone a person may feel entitled to asking whatever they want no matter how big the ask, and that is not ok if they do not consider what they are asking and from whom. And if they are not being considerate to you, you need to take the matters in your own hands and learn to say ‘No’. And if you are having trouble with saying no than you could always read my blog on ’10 Ways to master the art of saying No’ by clicking here: https://musingsofbrowngirls.com/2019/05/30/10-ways-to-master-the-art-of-saying-no-bgr/
Avoid the toxicity:
As mental health awareness and well being is getting a lot more attention on social media feed, and rightly so, the phrase ‘Remove toxic people from your lives’ is currently trending quite a bit also. But how do remove people that play a very large part of your life? What about close family members, family friends, people at work, those you may need to see on a daily basis, those who simply cannot avoid on gathering or social events, or those who have a large role in either your own or your families life decisions?
This is one of those ‘removing the painful yet essential band aid very quickly’ (or in this case working more directly)moments which may be painful essentially but you’ll heal much better and quicker. When you finally realise that you are an adult, and this requires making adult choices for your own life aka; ‘Adulting’. Because no, you cannot remove every toxic person in your life but you can step away from their toxicity.
Avoid conversations where you know arguments are involved, and if you want to take the adulting one step further, let the person know that you are both going to have to agree to disagree. Avoid picking up the phone where you know listening to their toxic conversation will drain you, or taking it one step further by actually picking up the phone and letting them know you cannot have this conversation. It may seem rude initially but if the other person is truly your friend than they would understand that certain conversations that make you upset or uncomfortable are not worth having.
You cannot forget that it is solely your responsibility to put yourself first and although other people may play a large and important roles in our life, their sole priority needs to be themselves also. I would love to hear what you think of this blog and what you avoid on your journey to self-love. And remember Reflect. Love. Heal always xXx
Brown Girl R.