Writing about forgiveness on my earlier post made me realise that as much as forgiving others is beneficial, forgiving ourselves is as equally as important. Forgiveness I believe is a beautiful trait, it retains a person’s purity and good nature, which is why there’s so much a person can benefit by forgiving. This however should not be confused with allowing those who have hurt you to do so again, you should; forgive, learn, let go and never forget.
If you have been through a traumatic experience, whether it is physical, mental, sexual or spiritual its difficult not to hold on to some of the blame towards yourself. When the abuse is something that has slowly built up we tend to think it is not much of a big deal at the beginning moving on to thinking that maybe we deserve it.
And when it is a sudden impact we gravitate towards thinking that maybe we attracted the abuse. There are many factors which affect the reasons behind the self blame, and because I am not qualified to approach the various factors and reasons, I shall focus on the benefits of taking away the blame by trying to forgive yourself.
It is not your fault
Despite what you might think, what you have been told or how it is portrayed no one deserves abuse. For someone to think it is OK to take advantage of you and hurt you, then that is a reflection of themselves not you.
They lack the compassion, empathy and understanding, because although self-love and self care is important and one must always put themselves first, if it is at the expense of someone else then it is not right.
It doesn’t affect who you are
Being through an abusive experience at the hands of someone else may seem like it shows you as a weak or stupid person, someone who is used or someone who is ‘dirty’. This again should be the reflection of the abuser and not of you.
Who you are at your core is what you should focus on, and let it be the representation of you, what others have done to you should not take that away from you. Yes you should use the experience to become wiser and stronger, but don’t let the others take away the beauty of your nature and soul.
You are not in the same mindset
Sometimes when we look at our past we dwell on the mistakes we made or the things we could have done differently, what we forget to do however is realise that although we remember our past, we don’t have same mindset as we did then.
For example if we look back at a disastrous hairstyle that was all the rage in our teens, we’ll remember the excitement and the planning and maybe all the little details surrounding the style taking place, but what we’ll forget is that only later on did we realise that our face shape maybe didn’t suit the style hence the style looking disastrous.
Same way if you’ve experienced any sort of abuse especially being much younger you cannot forget the fact that being much younger restricted you of many things that you have learnt later on. You were younger, more innocent and naive, don’t let that be confused with stupidity especially if the other person was older because they should have been wiser.
There is nothing you can do to change the past, but you can always put in the effort towards making your future more beautiful.
Continuing on from the point above, thinking ‘should’ve, would’ve, could’ve’ benefits no one. You may have had bad days, worse ones, terrible days and traumatic ones but you’ve come out the other side.
Well done, now to truly benefit from that you need those days where they belong, in the past, and focus your energy on what you can do to create a more beautiful future for yourself. It won’t be easy or even simple but once you put one foot in front of the other and your direction is forward, trust me it’ll be worth it.
You shouldn’t have to carry your burdens alone.
I cannot stress how important this is, your past is yours alone and no one can go back in time and resolve your issues for you. But that doesn’t mean the you should carry the weight of your abuse by yourself. A good friend, family member or partner will always want you to be open with them.
They would always want to get to know all of you and would continuously make the effort to improve the relationship you have with them, they might have already noticed that you are sensitive around certain topics, or that you close up and seem distant when certain topics arise.
Just talk, there are no instructions, no steps, no guidelines, when you have gone through an ordeal, just talk. It won’t solve the issues, but I promise you speaking to the right people will make you feel so much better. And if you want your ordeal to remain unknown then reach outside your familiar territory, talk to a professional, a therapist, your GP, even the NHS offer many options of helplines, I’ve attached the link below.
Keeping it to yourself no matter how much you have dealt with it restricts you from truly being yourself, although the issue may seem resolved or its in the past (in some cases way in the past) actually speaking out about it really lets you unburden the weight of carrying it by yourself.
NHS helplines for self help: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/
You are amazing and going through any traumatic experience is not your fault nor do you deserve it. Because it is physically impossible I would like to send out a virtual hug to each and every one you. I want you to know that what you do deserve is all the love this world has to offer.
So forgive yourself and reflect. love. heal, always xXx
Brown Girl R.