This blog is split into two parts so make sure you give Part 1 a read!
Abusive traits in someone you have formed a bond with, have feelings for, are committed to or in love with can often be overlooked.
Unless our emotional, physical and even spiritual boundaries are clearly in place and communicated, things can progress into a toxic environment that can be detrimental to your well-being.
It can be even harder to identify abusive red flags if you have grown up in an environment or culture that normalises such behaviour and brushes them off as socially acceptable behaviours.
Remember anything that takes away your peace, makes you feel unsafe, affects your confidence or self-esteem and gives you anxiety is never ok.
We must become aware of such red flags in order to break free from these cycles or patterns that are normalised if they are abusive or toxic in any way.
Abusive behaviour is all about control and manipulation and can be presented to youi falsely as someone that loves you or cares for you too much.
It is important to ask yourself does this feel like love?
Do you feel safe when expressing your opinions?
Do you feel like a valued equal in this relationship?
Would it look different if it was happening to someone else?
Is it okay to loose yourself in order to cater to someone else’s needs or insecurities?
If no then it’s time to address the traits or behaviours that don’t feel right and maybe are not expressed with your best interests at heart.
It is always important to speak out to someone that you trust so that even if you make excuses or brush aside the red flags that need to be addressed, someone else can highlight them for you or even just lend a listening and supportive ear.
If someone criticises you or belittles you in private or in public and you feel ashamed, embarrassed and confused that is not okay.
If this happens regularly, you are fat shamed, called names and made to feel unlovable or unattractive you need to put yourself first and take time to focus on yourself.
If you express your concerns or explain that their words or actions were hurtful yet they refuse to take responsibility, blame someone or something else for their actions and in some cases even make it out to be all your fault, that is a red flag.
If someone seems to stay composed outside, around family friends and colleague yet have little tolerance and a short fuze at home, that shows that they have the ability to control their anger but choose to lash out around you and that is a red flag.
If you notice a pattern of behaviour they expressed in past relationships or they have nothing good to say about their exe’s or blame them for the failure of the relationship without taking any resposibility of their own actions, that is definitely a red flag.
People do not change for others, being in love does not make them better, “I can change him” never works and it isn’t on anybody to fix someone else.
Whatever the reason for someone acting out in a mean, abusive or aggressive way it is never the fault of the victim.
When things go out of control to the point where you are scared and confused, there is no excuse to justify such behaviour and wrong is wrong.
Unless someone is actively seeking out help and support to better themselves and are really working on their emotions, past traumas and behaviour a simple “I am sorry it won’t happen again” is not going to fix anything.
Keep those you love close to you.
Talk if something doesn’t feel right.
Reach out for help and support in the early stages of such behaviour before it becomes a pattern and cycle that may get worse over time without you even realising it.
Others behaviour towards you is not a reflection of your short comings, judge of character or not being good enough.
No one has the right to make you feel insecure, manipulate or control you, take away from the person you are or not allow you to blossom into the person you are yet to become.
You are amazing, more beautiful than you know and stronger, wiser and more courageous than you can possibly imagine.
Don not let anyone make you think or feel any different!
For more help and support please go onto our help page.
reflect. love. heal always
Brown Girl N